I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
