is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize