Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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