he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Randomize
