Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
