i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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