there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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