The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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