I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
