I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
