Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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