Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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