Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
