brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just want to make out with him forever
you made out with another girl for some wings
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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