Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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