I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
