Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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