make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
