i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
