dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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