Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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