hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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