I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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