Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
