I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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