I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
