2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I wish there were birth control emojis
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
