we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
