Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
