Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Houston, we have a blender
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Randomize
