oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
