Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
