apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
this is an emotional support booty call
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
