shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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