There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
