Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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