i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize