I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
