Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
