i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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