This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
