i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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