My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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