I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
