No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
