im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
