Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
