I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
