my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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