Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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