You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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