I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
His hands were made for my vagina.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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