Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
