I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
