Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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