Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
