Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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