I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
