You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
