Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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