And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
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